If it seems too good to be true....

Like most of you, I am occasionally approached by “friends” about getting involved in some kind of side-business, known in some circles as a pyramid scheme.  And also like many of you, I am not interested…at all…ever.

The difficult thing about this situation is that these invitations often come from people I truly like, and would love to keep it that way.  But how to respond without hurting their feelings?  My older brother has no problem with this.  “NO,” he would say bluntly with little to no expression in his voice or on his face.  A second attempt would get, “HELL NO,” with a little more expression, and ultimately he would kill you.  But I have always been different.  The “People Pleaser,” or so they say in college sociology classes.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even if I am just another name they jotted down on the back of a napkin from some “recruitment party” somewhere.

So to save myself some time and embarrassment, I have come up with this template response for all future invitations into pyramid schemes.  My plan is to simply cut and paste this response in a reply e-mail or facebook message.  You have the same problem?  Then feel free to use it for yourself.
But keep me posted.  I may want to sell these to your friends and family.

TEMPLATE RESPONSE TO PYRAMID SCHEME INVITES:

Dear _______________:

Thanks so much for your note.  I was surprised to hear from you since we really haven’t talked in at least 20 years.  In fact, I had to look you up in my high school annual and Google you online just to recall who I was dealing with here.  But that made your concern for my family and wellbeing during these hard economic times that much more sincere and heartfelt.

I am pleased to hear you are doing well, working in your primary job and then selling this product on the side.  You sound thrilled about the whole thing.  I was touched with how this experience has almost become a hobby for you and how through it you have found extra income, personal satisfaction, exotic vacations, a better sex life and a closer walk with the Lord.  All of that --- amazing.  I guess we really do have so much in common.  You would have thought we would have spent more time together in (college/high school/elementary school/church).

But see, _____.  That was your name, right?  I am extremely busy, not only in my job, but raising two beautiful teenage daughters; trying to be a good husband to a beautiful wife and teaching a Sunday School class of some outstanding young adults at my church.  All of that leaves very little time for your (shampoo/diet drinks/cosmetics/dinnerware/timeshares/TV dinners/intimate apparel/Canadian pharmaceuticals), although I am thrilled for what they have come to mean in your life.

Sadly, I understand that by not taking advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I may never fully realize my dream of being an empowered Independent Business Owner (IBO), but I guess I am simply willing to take that chance.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am ecstatic that you have been able to make an additional $_________/year working only _______hours/day in the comfort of your own home and had the opportunity to meet ____________ (famous name from pop culture) on that recent cruise to ________ (exotic place) and just bought a brand new ______________ (something I really want).

Please have fun at the party on _________ and give my best to the other people we went to  (college/high school/elementary school/church) with that we both haven’t talked to in more than 20 years.  You realize that most of them will never speak to you again, right?  Oh well, if it’s worked for the past 20 years, what’s another 20, right?

Oh, and one last thing.  Please stop talking up this (shampoo/diet drinks/cosmetics/dinnerware/timeshares/TV dinners/intimate apparel/Canadian pharmaceuticals) at church.  It’s not the appropriate setting and I have it on good authority that God frowns upon it.  His son made a pretty big scene in a temple once, turning over the tables and displays of many fine, upstanding IBOs.

Feel free to call me anytime about the family, life in general, or old friends we actually knew.  But let’s keep business separate.  Tends to make me edgy.

All the best and God bless,
Reg

Finally on the Team

In the winter of 1981, I was a senior preparing to graduate from Heritage High School in Conyers, Georgia.  I had a steady girlfriend, a part-time job at a local radio station and a church where I loved to be whenever the doors were open.  Life was good, and I was all about living for the moment, with little if any thoughts about the future, beyond the spring and graduation anyway.
While other kids my age were getting letters from major universities and setting up visits, I had given very little thought about where I might attend in my life after high school.  Oh sure, I would go to college.  That was sort of a given, but exactly where had not been determined.  Joyce Chandler was my senior counselor at Heritage and while I can’t prove it with scripture, I believe she will receive extra crowns in heaven for putting up with kids like me.  One day, she called me to her office.  “Reg, have you thought about where you want to go to college?”  “Not really,” I responded.  “But did you hear my radio show last Saturday?  It was hilarious.”
Mrs. Chandler encouraged me to consider Georgia State University.  It was convenient, known for having a strong school of journalism, and might not be offended by the fact that I was applying a mere six-months before my freshman college classes would begin.  I was familiar with GSU.  My brother, a graduate of the University of Georgia, had gone there for his Master’s Degree in Accounting.  At this point, we were the classic “house divided,” with Dad, a ramblin’ ‘reck from Georgia Tech, and my brother an avid Dawg fan.  Maybe Georgia State would be the right fit.
Letters were written, tests were taken, applications were completed and checks were cashed.  Yes, I matriculated in public (thanks Ludlow for that classic joke).  Miraculously, by the following September, I was a freshman at Georgia State.  We were the Panthers, although I always thought the mascot should be the “Raving Commuters.”  The logo could be a steering wheel and a fist. 
Despite the commuting and parking challenges of the “concrete campus,” I grew to love Georgia State.  It looked, felt and even smelled like a major university.  I loved Sparks Hall, Kell Hall and the General Classroom Building.  I loved the cheeseburgers and fries at the B&D (which we claimed stood for “Bite and Die”) cafeteria.  I loved my professors, even the strange ones that taught bizarre classes in things like sociology and “non-verbal communication.”  You can imagine me in a class like that, right?
There was only one problem.  While friends at other universities talked up their gridiron accomplishments, GSU did not have a football team.  We had a strong basketball program, baseball and soccer too.  But no football.  At first, I thought that might not be a bad idea.  My brother and dad could have spirited debates about the Dawgs and Jackets, and I could pick a side, depending on how the teams were faring that season.  But there is a real identity that is established when a school has a football program, even when it’s not the most successful, year in and year out.
And so it was, for the whole time I was there: No football for GSU.  Until this year.  I remember reading about it a couple years back.  How the school was considering starting a program and hiring Bill Curry, former head coach at Tech, Alabama and Kentucky, to lead the charge.  This year, it all became a reality.
It’s been over 20 years since I graduated from Georgia State, and I wasn’t exactly sure how excited I was about prospects for a football program, until that inaugural game rolled around on Thursday night, September 2.  Somehow, it really meant something to me.  For the first time in the school’s history, GSU would field a team that night in college football, under the lights at the Georgia Dome. I downloaded the iPhone app for an Atlanta radio station I had never even heard of, just to follow the game that night.
On Saturday, September 18, my wife and I attended our first GSU game in person, as the Panthers met the Jacksonville State Gamecocks.  A good friend of ours, Drew Hinesley, serves as an excellent stadium announcer for the Panthers and got us some great seats.  The game was amazingly close, going into overtime, with the Gamecocks finally edging out the Panthers by a touchdown.  But the spirit in the Dome was great.  The players looked great on the field; there were cheerleaders, a marching band and even a rambunctious student section.  It felt, looked, smelled and tasted like college football, and it was a thrill just to be there.
As I write this, the Panthers hold a respectable inaugural season record of 2-2, going into a Homecoming Game tomorrow against the Morehead State Eagles.  And I’ll be listening, clinging to that iPhone for every exciting play.
So go GSU Panthers and hunker down just one more time like a hobnail boot with sugar falling from the sky.  No wait, those are someone else’s lines.  Better call Drew for a refresher course.

Your humble Blogger on the field of the Georgia Dome following the September 18, 2010, football game between the Georgia State Panthers and the Jacksonville State Gamecocks

Graduation Day - June, 1989 - with my incredibly hot girlfriend (now beautiful wife)